Dating Pursuits Part 2, Further Thought

After reading my last post, a female friend remarked that I had not addressed fear. Fear also seems to play a large part in why men do not take the initiative to ask a woman out. I can see that. We all fear rejection, ridicule, potential “public” humiliation (if you run in the same circles). We all have pride. Women get that. All of us have been rejected in some way, at some point in our lives…and it sucks.

Which brings me back to the point of my previous post. One way a man can communicate to a woman that he knows she is worthy to be chosen / pursued / whatever word you want to place here, is to overcome that fear and ask her out anyway. It tells her that he must feel it is worth getting rejected to have a chance with her. That’s a powerful step, which will (generally) cause her to reciprocate in kind. She will communicate to the man that she sees him as worthy / pursuable by being vulnerable and investing her time, energy, and feelings in him.

In fact, because women empathize with men regarding how difficult it is to ask someone out, we tend to accept behavior that we ordinarily would not. In intermediate school it would be the “head jerk.” Instead of asking a girl to dance, some guys would just go up to a girl and jerk his head toward the dance floor, turn around and walk to the dance floor. Even though I thought this was rude at the time (hello, they have mouths, can’t they verbalize?) no girl “rejected” that. She would follow him and when he turned around, she’d be there. We accept invitations so vaguely cobbled together that we’re unsure if we’re even been asked out, or so aggressive that the man comes across like a jerk that we know he is not, or so mumbled we can barely decipher what he is saying.

But this empathy can have a dark side that may lead to more miscommunication than spared feelings at some point.

What do I mean? If women do not want to go out with someone, we try to “let him down easy.” We know how much courage it takes; how it can make a person feel quite vulnerable and exposed. Especially if we already care about this person as a friend…we do not want to just shoot him down. So we end up making excuses like: (1) we’re too busy / not ready to date; (2) this isn’t a good time; (3) we are already seeing someone; (4) we already have plans for that evening; etc.

The problem is that these are legitimate excuses. So now the poor guy is in a quandary. He is left to wonder is this woman rejecting me but is trying to let me down easy (save my pride); or is it a legitimate reason, leaving the door open to future invitations?

Of course, I am speaking in generalities here…so here is something specific. I have done the “excuse” thing when I was younger. In my defense, it was the only way I knew how to be nice and say no at the time. (Saying no was a big deal in itself, as little girls are taught accommodating and saying “yes” to others are valued…but that’s fodder for a future post.) Frankly, I did not have the skills or the confidence to handle it any other way and I was too myopic to see how this could be confusing / frustrating for the guy. So, when a guy would vent his confusion / frustration, I would be at a loss thinking to myself, “Hey, I tried to be nice. Why are you being a jerk about it?” I would consult with my girlfriends who would be just as clueless as I and we would conclude that the guy was lashing out because of a dented ego.

Being older and somewhat wiser now, I can see how what I thought was a reasonable rationale at the time, really was unfair because of the inherent mixed message in my response. In college, I actually “made up” a boyfriend to get a guy to stop bothering me. (He was the type to ask out everyone. It’s just because I turned him down that he became more interested, it’s not that he was so into me.) I asked a friend attending a mainland college to pretend to be my boyfriend. And we wonder why men and women have trouble communicating?

Anyway, now I would handle it much differently. I would be honest and straightforward and nice. These things are not mutually exclusive; I believe they can work in harmony. I would say something like, “Thanks for asking. I am so flattered you would think of me, but no thank you.” I would say it sincerely and look him in the eye and make sure he understood that I thought it totally rocked and I am genuinely flattered that he asked, but it’s not going to happen. Very few guys would push for more of a “reason” after that.

That would work for guys who are asked out by women, too. No lying, prevarication or confusion. Just no thank you.

Let’s keep the lines of communication open, honest and flowing among men and women. If we keep maturing, learning and talking, who knows what may happen? Dare I say it…possibly…understanding?