Almost

Barak Obama is the President-Elect of the United States.

Wow.

Honestly though, it is not quite as great as, “Hillary Rodham Clinton is the President-Elect of the United States!” However, it is almost as great.

Listening to Obama’s galvanizing, gracious, and pragmatic acceptance speech, I can almost dismiss the ever-so-faint whiff of regret that America is not celebrating the election of its first female President. Almost. It remains, just a shadow of an aftertaste, but it remains. What if a woman had been elected President of the United States?

We came close…closer than we have ever come before and perhaps that is good enough…for now. Another rung placed on the top of the ladder…one step further. But it hurts, still, to have come so close; and yet that proverbial glass ceiling, for all its cracks, remains relatively intact. It functions as it always did: as a barrier.

Many people of color are thrilled with Obama’s win. They feel they can “really” tell their kids that in America, you can be anything you want to be. I am a person of color. I, too, feel a sense of pride and the hope that comes with newly open doors. But, then I think of the little girls. Will their eyes shine as bright? Will they inhale that confidence, the same way as little boys…so it becomes their truth? So intrinsic that it becomes part of their very being? Or will there be that tell-tale whiff (or did I just imagine it?) that intimates, “But maybe not you. You’re a girl.”

Why must I work harder, better and faster than my male counterparts to get to the same level they inhabit? Will it be all the sweeter to reach that level? To surpass it?

I realize these are not new questions. All minority groups have gone through and continue to go through this morass of questions. Women, people of color, people of a different religion, political party, of different abilities, that speak different languages, of different sexual orientation, people that hold on to a different value system than the majority of their neighbors.

Does the opening for one of us mean an opening for all? I wish…I yearn that this is true. That we can build on one another’s successes. The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution gave black men the right to vote. The 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote. But then I see Proposition 8 passed in California, thus making it illegal for people of the same sex to be married. And I wonder, “Are we almost equal? One step forward, two steps back?” And it hurts my heart.

So this election victory of Barak Obama’s and the agents of change who envision a better world and have reached out to grab it with both hands…your victory…our victory…it is bittersweet to me.

And part of me wonders why I cannot enjoy the fruits of this victory? It means a great deal regarding how we see ourselves, how we identify ourselves as a nation. Why dwell on the negative? The “almost” of it all? Will there always be this sense of emptiness? This feeling that no matter how much is accomplished, that it is never enough? That does not sound healthy.

Then the other part of me argues that it is this part – the one that remains unsatisfied, that strives for more and for better, that will keep our nation and its people on the right track, moving forward. Progressing. So perhaps what is perceived as “negative” is not really negative at all. It is the refusal to rest, because we know we can do better. We can achieve more. It is the part that will ultimately crack that ceiling, made of glass but dense as concrete, into a million shards. And the daughters of the generations who follow will live as if it had never existed. But each will have her own shard, an heirloom reminder of what their grandmothers and great-grandmothers fought, sacrificed, and lived for.

Congratulations, Barak Obama. Congratulations, America.

We’re almost there.

Almost.

Dating Pursuits Part 2, Further Thought

After reading my last post, a female friend remarked that I had not addressed fear. Fear also seems to play a large part in why men do not take the initiative to ask a woman out. I can see that. We all fear rejection, ridicule, potential “public” humiliation (if you run in the same circles). We all have pride. Women get that. All of us have been rejected in some way, at some point in our lives…and it sucks.

Which brings me back to the point of my previous post. One way a man can communicate to a woman that he knows she is worthy to be chosen / pursued / whatever word you want to place here, is to overcome that fear and ask her out anyway. It tells her that he must feel it is worth getting rejected to have a chance with her. That’s a powerful step, which will (generally) cause her to reciprocate in kind. She will communicate to the man that she sees him as worthy / pursuable by being vulnerable and investing her time, energy, and feelings in him.

In fact, because women empathize with men regarding how difficult it is to ask someone out, we tend to accept behavior that we ordinarily would not. In intermediate school it would be the “head jerk.” Instead of asking a girl to dance, some guys would just go up to a girl and jerk his head toward the dance floor, turn around and walk to the dance floor. Even though I thought this was rude at the time (hello, they have mouths, can’t they verbalize?) no girl “rejected” that. She would follow him and when he turned around, she’d be there. We accept invitations so vaguely cobbled together that we’re unsure if we’re even been asked out, or so aggressive that the man comes across like a jerk that we know he is not, or so mumbled we can barely decipher what he is saying.

But this empathy can have a dark side that may lead to more miscommunication than spared feelings at some point.

What do I mean? If women do not want to go out with someone, we try to “let him down easy.” We know how much courage it takes; how it can make a person feel quite vulnerable and exposed. Especially if we already care about this person as a friend…we do not want to just shoot him down. So we end up making excuses like: (1) we’re too busy / not ready to date; (2) this isn’t a good time; (3) we are already seeing someone; (4) we already have plans for that evening; etc.

The problem is that these are legitimate excuses. So now the poor guy is in a quandary. He is left to wonder is this woman rejecting me but is trying to let me down easy (save my pride); or is it a legitimate reason, leaving the door open to future invitations?

Of course, I am speaking in generalities here…so here is something specific. I have done the “excuse” thing when I was younger. In my defense, it was the only way I knew how to be nice and say no at the time. (Saying no was a big deal in itself, as little girls are taught accommodating and saying “yes” to others are valued…but that’s fodder for a future post.) Frankly, I did not have the skills or the confidence to handle it any other way and I was too myopic to see how this could be confusing / frustrating for the guy. So, when a guy would vent his confusion / frustration, I would be at a loss thinking to myself, “Hey, I tried to be nice. Why are you being a jerk about it?” I would consult with my girlfriends who would be just as clueless as I and we would conclude that the guy was lashing out because of a dented ego.

Being older and somewhat wiser now, I can see how what I thought was a reasonable rationale at the time, really was unfair because of the inherent mixed message in my response. In college, I actually “made up” a boyfriend to get a guy to stop bothering me. (He was the type to ask out everyone. It’s just because I turned him down that he became more interested, it’s not that he was so into me.) I asked a friend attending a mainland college to pretend to be my boyfriend. And we wonder why men and women have trouble communicating?

Anyway, now I would handle it much differently. I would be honest and straightforward and nice. These things are not mutually exclusive; I believe they can work in harmony. I would say something like, “Thanks for asking. I am so flattered you would think of me, but no thank you.” I would say it sincerely and look him in the eye and make sure he understood that I thought it totally rocked and I am genuinely flattered that he asked, but it’s not going to happen. Very few guys would push for more of a “reason” after that.

That would work for guys who are asked out by women, too. No lying, prevarication or confusion. Just no thank you.

Let’s keep the lines of communication open, honest and flowing among men and women. If we keep maturing, learning and talking, who knows what may happen? Dare I say it…possibly…understanding?

Feminist Fantasy?

I was having dinner with a friend recently and the topic of movies came up in our conversation. He asked me if I had seen Waitress, and I enthusiastically said I had (see review, infra.) Just as I am about to launch into my thoughts about this movie, he says, "I knew you would like this movie. It's a total feminist fantasy."

Hmph! Ok, first I took exception to his tone (which I know I cannot clearly communicate here, but let me try). It was kind of a throwaway statement, with a hint of condescension and a dab of scorn tossed in there for good measure. Let's just say his tone made what could have been a critical (in the sense of analysis) or even innocuous comment into a negative one. He thinks (I use this word loosely, obviously) that feminists fantasize about not needing men. That women naturally(?) find their worth and identity through relationships (with men) and family. He feels the ultimate message of this film is that women do not need men...they can throw that all away and still be fulfilled.

Which leads me to my second point . . . that is simple fact, not fantasy. I was raised to be independent and that I should be able to provide for and take care of myself (along with being kind to others, telling the truth, washing behind my ears, etc.) I do not feel I need a man to make my life complete. At some point I may want a relationship like that, but I do not need one. I think that holds true for men and women alike.

"So," I ask trying to tamp down my belligerence so I am not yelling in the restaurant (I was also taught to be polite and circumspect), "in what do men find their worth if not through having a significant other and/or family?" To which he responds, "Work." I assume he means the prestige and wealth that comes with work. Perhaps even being the "provider" of the family...uh huh, which means that a significant other/family would be the most important thing, after all isn't provider is just a role in that unit?

Anyway, he argues that once Jenna had a daughter (not a son!), she is able to blithely walk away from her best friend and lover and make a success of her life, because she and her daughter have female power and no longer need men (a.k.a. feminist fantasy). He feels that it did not ring true because her loverwas the first person to sincerely care about her as a person, with whom she could share her innermost thoughts and fears and be completely vulnerable because he made her feel safe. It should have been more difficult for her to leave him. Bleh.

I contend Jenna planned to leave her lover once she met his wife and saw how much she loved and respected the cheating bast . . . uh, him. Furthermore, it is irrelevant whether Jenna gave birth to a girl or boy, the result would have been the same. It was more about the love of a mother for her child. Jenna having a girl just completes the circle, because she has all these precious memories of baking with her mother (and now she can create new memories baking with her daughter). And lastly, I think my friend has his own issues to deal with. Perhaps he is feeling unnecessary or easily dismissed by the woman in his life? What else would describe his outrage about "feminist fantasy?"

For some reason I do not like that phrase. Maybe feminist archetype is better? Perhaps it is just semantics, or perhaps it is because I can still hear his tone while saying, "feminist fantasy," or maybe it is just the odd and disturbing picture I get in my head of feminists sitting around fantasizing? I don't know why that picture is disturbing, it just is.