Dating Pursuits, Female Perspective

In response to a conversation within his church body, a friend of a friend recently posted some thoughts about dating and relationships. Can I be more obscure? (My homage to Chandler). Anyway, it got me thinking about how men and women communicate (or fail to communicate, as the case may be). It all seemed to start from a joke that led to a female’s lament regarding males (Christian males in particular) not asking out rockin’ Christian females (her as an example).

At this point, I wish to pause in these proceedings to apologize for my…inelegance…in expressing my views regarding this topic. I swear, it would be better if we were actually having a conversation, but as it is…I am probably the only one reading this, so who cares?

This is not an anti-male/male-bashing post. On the contrary, I found the church discussion compelling, honest and much needed. There are so many resources dedicated to post-marriage relationships (i.e., how to keep your marriage alive), but not much about dating in the church (whether or not it leads to marriage, because where is it written that every single person wants marriage? Marriage is not always the endgame. I mean, many people are single by choice. It’s easy to hookup if you have no standards and just want to be in a “relationship,” just look at Jerry Springer and shows of that ilk…oops, sorry. Mini rant.) Anyway, it is like the church expects married couples to just pop up without having gone through the single/dating process. (Disclaimer, I know I am lumping all of Christendom together, which may not be fair, but I generalize to make the point that this is a neglected area in the church).

Ok, no more tangents for disclaimers or further explanations. Just assume I am coming from a good place, okay? Like those great episodes of Eli Stone say, “sometimes you just have to take things on faith.”

The male response to her lament seemed to be saying that they do not ask women out for one/some/all of the following reasons:

1. They were (not) taught what a healthy relationship should look like in their formative years (no one to model or teach that to them);
Response: Read, look around you now, seek guidance from spiritually grounded married men.

2. Insecurity (often based on some prior personal experience, or an experience of someone he knows);
Response: Put past experiences into perspective, pray, carry on/get over it

3. Happy with their non-dating, single state;
Response: Nothing. That’s awesome!

4. Only wants to date a person he thinks he may want to marry (rather than dating for “fun”);
Response: How are you ever going to know what you really want if you do not get some dating experience? Many times what one thinks one wants and what one discovers what one really needs are two different things.

5. They do not want to potentially ruin a great friendship if things do not work out romantically; and
Response: One of those risk vs. reward / balance sheet issues. If you are both of the same mindset, why not explore a deeper relationship? Nothing ventured, nothing gained…

6. They do not understand their role as “males” in that they have been given conflicting messages by women/society/media: (don’t) be macho, (don’t) be sensitive, (don’t) let your emotions show, (don’t) talk more about your feelings, etc.
Response: While I feel your pain, (most) women have somehow managed to meld traditional “male” and “female” traits successfully, why can’t men?

I am sure this is not a comprehensive list, but hopefully it is a good beginning. Many times these guys would appreciate it if the woman would make the first move. And that is fine. In fact, many couples I know were instigated by the female. I think this was part of what the original poster was lamenting about.

Women want to feel wanted. (I know men want to feel wanted, too…ah, wait, I said I was not going to get bogged down in disclaimers/explanations…grrr…). We want the man to make a conscious decision that he wants that particular female. We want him to choose, not to fall.

Let me explain. A lot of guys I know “fall” into their relationships. Either out of convenience or things just kinda worked out that way. Examples: everyone else in the group was hooking up, and there were just the two of them left, so he gets together with the last single girl. Or she is the one he doesn’t think will reject him, rather than she is the one he wants to be with. Or she was pursing him, so it was just a matter of giving in. Or they hung out together so much as friends, they unconsciously became a couple.

In any case, the male barely expends any serious effort. Of course, it takes effort to keep a relationship going and sometimes the female doesn’t expend any effort either and there are two sides (ack! I’m doing it again. Frankly I think it is inherent when one talks about this type of topic, one feels like one is walking on eggshells or in a minefield…oh! Or like diffusing a bomb. Heh.) Let’s try again…

In any case, the male barely expends any serious effort. Women want to feel chosen. Special. We do not want to feel like if any warm female body had been there, then said male would have been just as happy hooking up with that woman instead. Maybe it is because people generally treasure things (and relationships) that they had to work for. That they invested themselves in. That they had to sacrifice for. (I hate writing sentences that end with prepositions!) That some time and effort was expended into choosing and winning her…not like a prize or chattel, but that a relationship with her is worth fighting through your insecurities and battling past any other obstacles put in your path.

Don’t men want the same thing? To know the woman chose him specifically? Well, women tell men that kind of stuff. Women (in general) are more verbal and more willing to verbalize their emotions than men. How do men let women know? Through their actions. Which is why women want to be pursued. Not for the sake of being pursued, but because of what the pursuit represents: a conscious decision that this man wants a relationship with this woman because of who and what she is and can become.

Just don’t be all obnoxious about it.

(SweetlyDemure pauses for male groans and shouts of disapproval to die and for eyes to stop rolling).

Seriously, you can choose and pursue in a non-obnoxious way. In this circumstance, I do feel bad for guys, because you are taught to pursue and overcome and not let anything get in the way of what you want. Yet you are also told to respect women’s wishes and that being told, “no” once should sufficient. If you are unable to integrate both, then go with the latter. A woman’s refusal should be the end. If she is playing games with you, then I say it is her loss. Move on to someone who is not into that kind of game playing or at least is more self-aware. Trust me, we’re out there!