C'mon Baby, Light My Fire

I am disturbed.

Not in the unstable, unbalanced, psycho kind of way (now wouldn’t that be a fascinating post?) More like there is a disturbance in my universe kind of way.

This past weekend I lost my fourth tennis match in a row, thus going 0-4 for this season. But that is not the reason I am disturbed. Rather, I am disturbed about not feeling disturbed about losing my fourth tennis match in a row. I think this is the first season in the many, many years I have been playing adult competitive tennis when I have not won at least one match. So why am I not bothered by this?

One reason may be that I am coming back from a wrist injury that kept me off the court for about a year. Perhaps I am cutting myself some slack because I realize I am returning from an injury and cannot expect to jump on the court and be at the level I was before the injury. Coupled with that, I have not really practiced a lot since my wrist healed. I cannot expect to play well after taking a long time off and with a limited amount of practice.

But it is more than that, which is why I find myself concerned. Have I lost my competitive edge? I notice I do not have the same focus and the “fire” that I usually have when I am competing. It’s almost like I do not care if I win or lose. Well, to a certain extent I never have cared too deeply . . . I mean, I am unwilling to cheat to win. I always did not (really) mind losing if I played well and prefer that to winning a match that my opponent is deliberately tanking to preserve her rating.

Generally, I am a good loser . . . on the outside. However on the inside, I keep thinking about what I could have done differently; I relive errors and am somewhat irritable at how poorly I played. Truthfully, I am a bit hard on myself. But this past season I have not scrutinized my play in the same way I have most of my life. I have not been as critical and have been more willing to just “let things go.”

Perhaps I am disturbed for nothing. I still find joy in being on the court and playing. Maybe I have even evolved, letting go of petty and unproductive thoughts. But I don’t think so. I don’t feel evolved and it’s not like I’m acting or feeling any better. I want to care about the quality of my play more. How does one get that back? Sports commentators call it a “fire in the belly.” It’s the thing that causes you focus more during the crucial points, helps you see openings and take them aggressively, pushes you when you are behind and basically makes you a better player.

I do not want to have lowered expectations of myself. I want to expect myself to give my all during the match and leave it all on the court (something that did not occur in my last four matches). That’s how I want to play tennis. That is not to say that I do not have fun on the court because I am so busy leaving my guts on it. Many people have said that while watching my matches they can’t tell if I’m winning or losing, because I am always smiling and laughing on the court. Well, I can smile and laugh and still feel ferocious (in the sweetest and most demure way, of course!) I am missing my ferociousness. I want it back. Where the heck did it go?

I will continue to practice during the “off” season and hopefully my game will improve. Hopefully if I play tennis more, I will rekindle the embers of my competitive spirit. I will focus and I will care and I will have the eye of the tiger! “Grrr!” rather than “meow . . . purr.”