Dating Pursuits, Female Perspective

In response to a conversation within his church body, a friend of a friend recently posted some thoughts about dating and relationships. Can I be more obscure? (My homage to Chandler). Anyway, it got me thinking about how men and women communicate (or fail to communicate, as the case may be). It all seemed to start from a joke that led to a female’s lament regarding males (Christian males in particular) not asking out rockin’ Christian females (her as an example).

At this point, I wish to pause in these proceedings to apologize for my…inelegance…in expressing my views regarding this topic. I swear, it would be better if we were actually having a conversation, but as it is…I am probably the only one reading this, so who cares?

This is not an anti-male/male-bashing post. On the contrary, I found the church discussion compelling, honest and much needed. There are so many resources dedicated to post-marriage relationships (i.e., how to keep your marriage alive), but not much about dating in the church (whether or not it leads to marriage, because where is it written that every single person wants marriage? Marriage is not always the endgame. I mean, many people are single by choice. It’s easy to hookup if you have no standards and just want to be in a “relationship,” just look at Jerry Springer and shows of that ilk…oops, sorry. Mini rant.) Anyway, it is like the church expects married couples to just pop up without having gone through the single/dating process. (Disclaimer, I know I am lumping all of Christendom together, which may not be fair, but I generalize to make the point that this is a neglected area in the church).

Ok, no more tangents for disclaimers or further explanations. Just assume I am coming from a good place, okay? Like those great episodes of Eli Stone say, “sometimes you just have to take things on faith.”

The male response to her lament seemed to be saying that they do not ask women out for one/some/all of the following reasons:

1. They were (not) taught what a healthy relationship should look like in their formative years (no one to model or teach that to them);
Response: Read, look around you now, seek guidance from spiritually grounded married men.

2. Insecurity (often based on some prior personal experience, or an experience of someone he knows);
Response: Put past experiences into perspective, pray, carry on/get over it

3. Happy with their non-dating, single state;
Response: Nothing. That’s awesome!

4. Only wants to date a person he thinks he may want to marry (rather than dating for “fun”);
Response: How are you ever going to know what you really want if you do not get some dating experience? Many times what one thinks one wants and what one discovers what one really needs are two different things.

5. They do not want to potentially ruin a great friendship if things do not work out romantically; and
Response: One of those risk vs. reward / balance sheet issues. If you are both of the same mindset, why not explore a deeper relationship? Nothing ventured, nothing gained…

6. They do not understand their role as “males” in that they have been given conflicting messages by women/society/media: (don’t) be macho, (don’t) be sensitive, (don’t) let your emotions show, (don’t) talk more about your feelings, etc.
Response: While I feel your pain, (most) women have somehow managed to meld traditional “male” and “female” traits successfully, why can’t men?

I am sure this is not a comprehensive list, but hopefully it is a good beginning. Many times these guys would appreciate it if the woman would make the first move. And that is fine. In fact, many couples I know were instigated by the female. I think this was part of what the original poster was lamenting about.

Women want to feel wanted. (I know men want to feel wanted, too…ah, wait, I said I was not going to get bogged down in disclaimers/explanations…grrr…). We want the man to make a conscious decision that he wants that particular female. We want him to choose, not to fall.

Let me explain. A lot of guys I know “fall” into their relationships. Either out of convenience or things just kinda worked out that way. Examples: everyone else in the group was hooking up, and there were just the two of them left, so he gets together with the last single girl. Or she is the one he doesn’t think will reject him, rather than she is the one he wants to be with. Or she was pursing him, so it was just a matter of giving in. Or they hung out together so much as friends, they unconsciously became a couple.

In any case, the male barely expends any serious effort. Of course, it takes effort to keep a relationship going and sometimes the female doesn’t expend any effort either and there are two sides (ack! I’m doing it again. Frankly I think it is inherent when one talks about this type of topic, one feels like one is walking on eggshells or in a minefield…oh! Or like diffusing a bomb. Heh.) Let’s try again…

In any case, the male barely expends any serious effort. Women want to feel chosen. Special. We do not want to feel like if any warm female body had been there, then said male would have been just as happy hooking up with that woman instead. Maybe it is because people generally treasure things (and relationships) that they had to work for. That they invested themselves in. That they had to sacrifice for. (I hate writing sentences that end with prepositions!) That some time and effort was expended into choosing and winning her…not like a prize or chattel, but that a relationship with her is worth fighting through your insecurities and battling past any other obstacles put in your path.

Don’t men want the same thing? To know the woman chose him specifically? Well, women tell men that kind of stuff. Women (in general) are more verbal and more willing to verbalize their emotions than men. How do men let women know? Through their actions. Which is why women want to be pursued. Not for the sake of being pursued, but because of what the pursuit represents: a conscious decision that this man wants a relationship with this woman because of who and what she is and can become.

Just don’t be all obnoxious about it.

(SweetlyDemure pauses for male groans and shouts of disapproval to die and for eyes to stop rolling).

Seriously, you can choose and pursue in a non-obnoxious way. In this circumstance, I do feel bad for guys, because you are taught to pursue and overcome and not let anything get in the way of what you want. Yet you are also told to respect women’s wishes and that being told, “no” once should sufficient. If you are unable to integrate both, then go with the latter. A woman’s refusal should be the end. If she is playing games with you, then I say it is her loss. Move on to someone who is not into that kind of game playing or at least is more self-aware. Trust me, we’re out there!

Gifted Child

I am gifted.

No, wait. Let me be accurate.

I am extremely gifted.

Ahh…that’s better. I know it sounds like I am bragging…self-aggrandizing…hello, how does your head fit through normal-sized doors? But I’m not. Being gifted has very little to do with the person upon whom the gift is bestowed, but rather says more about the One giving the gift.

A true gift, in its purest sense, is given freely and without expectation of any return. Now some may expect various degrees of gratitude; others may expect reciprocation at a later date and still others may do it for acknowledgement by others or because it makes them feel good (Notice what a great person I am; I am so generous!) But it seems to me that when one is “gifting” another, those types of motives should not be present (insert rim shot here).

Let me list some of my many gifts:
· Born in the United States (I may have issues, but that is because I do love my country and want it to live up to its ideals).
· Born into a (loving for the most part!) middle class family (great childhood).
· Had opportunities to and received a quality education.
· Am free of student loans thanks to parents helping to fund the aforementioned education, which gives me the freedom to choose jobs that may not be financially lucrative, but are fulfilling and meaningful to me.
· Opportunities to travel the U.S. and the world and experience different peoples and cultures.
· Grew up in a church family where it was okay to make mistakes and try new things (they’d love you anyway) and stepping out in faith was encouraged.
· Enough discretionary income to indulge in things I love like eating out, going to movies, museums, concerts and the like.

And baby, that’s just the beginning. Already it’s an embarrassment of riches.

Yet, I like to complain…lament. (Luckily God still loves whiners). It just feels so good – cathartic, even. But like Los Angeles, it’s a good place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there (no offense to Los Angelians…but seriously, wouldn’t you rather live in the Bay Area?) Anyway, it is good to remind myself just how gifted I am. Akin to counting my blessings, I guess. But more than just counting good stuff, it’s my recognition of just how much (or rather how little) I had to do with all of this.

And if it ended there, well, hopefully at the very least I would walk around with a better attitude and perspective, but that is not enough. Those of us lucky enough to be extremely gifted generally have the resources and wherewithal to share with others. I think that is why I connected with Hillary Clinton when during a debate she spoke about being blessed and given so much that she is compelled to give back. It did not come across as a feeling of largesse (which to me connotes pompously congratulating oneself for doling out crumbs to others at one’s whim) or even noblesse oblige (connoting duty or requirement). It came across as an excitement to share.

It reminds me of a story a conference speaker told about working with Mother Theresa in Calcutta. It was the birthday of a young boy whom the speaker had befriended. Since it was wicked hot (all of a sudden I’m from Boston?) and the area was so poverty stricken, the speaker opted to buy this boy an ice cream cone in celebration. He said the boy’s eyes grew huge, and he immediately yelled, “We got ice cream!” Then the boy lined up his friends and excitedly announced, “Everybody gets a lick!” And everyone did.

That kind of innocent joy instinctively shared is what I’m talking about. You don’t think about how so-and-so never gave you candy when he or she had some…or that now there is less ice cream for you…or any of that stuff. He had an awesome gift and he was going to share it with others.

Why can’t I be more like that?

“Everybody, we got ice cream!”