HIFF, HIFF, Hooray!

HIFF stands for the Hawai'i International Film Festival. The Festival ran for a week-and-a-half and I managed to see four movies. Every year I tell myself I should take vacation during this time so I can see more movies!

The first movie I saw was called, Fruit Fly. It was a musical set in San Francisco. A performance artist comes to San Francisco via the Philippines (went looking for her birth parents) and Maryland (where she grew up with her adoptive parents). She moves in with a gay male set designer, a lesbian couple and a runaway teen. It was a fun, raunchy, tongue-in-cheek film that had songs like, "Public Transportation" and "Fag Hag." In one scene, one of the protagonist's friends says that she's not a fag hag (she sees it as a pejorative term), but more like a fruit fly. Hence the title. It was a fun way to start my HIFF experience.

The next movie I saw was Made in China. This was a film about a young creator of novelty items in Texas taking a trip to China to make a deal to produce his product. He is scammed by his "Chinese contact" (found on Craig's List) and finds himself befriending a successful business man in a neighborhood bar. Hilarity (sort of) ensues.

The earnestness of the main character really has you feeling for him, yet he seems so naive, you want to slap his head at the same time. Well, not really slap his head (since in general I am a pacifist), but grab him by the shoulders and shake him (in a verbal, non-violent way). It got a bit boring in the middle, but overall I enjoyed it. The actor was there for a Q&A after the movie. He said it was guerilla film making. All filming was done without Government permission and the city shots and scenes with "locals" were done on the fly...so one take only.

The third movie I saw was my favorite. It is called Flavor of Happiness. Except for having a Japanese actor play a Chinese chef, I loved this movie. I guess I can excuse this supposedly Chinese character's very Japanese ways on having lived in Japan for so long. This was a touching, funny and lovely story about a Chinese chef who cooks delicious, simple, quality dishes and the young single mother he takes on as an apprentice after he has a stroke. The relationship between the characters and their performances were so subtle and nuanced and beautiful. And the food looked awesome. You could tell the director loved food. I mean, that's the perfect way to describe it...the food shots were lovingly done. My friend called it "food porn," and while funny, the shots were a bit more...uh...refined(?) than that.

The movie reminded me a little of Ratatouille, where home cooking, done simply and well can evoke memories of the past. A time when the characters felt safe, comforted and loved...feelings that are all too scarce in their adult lives. In the Q&A with the Director and Producer after the movie, the Director said he's a foodie and always wanted to make a film about food. Chinese food is his favorite, and while filming (a different movie) in China, there was this one dish -- scrambled eggs with fresh tomatoes -- that he never tired of, since it reminded him of his childhood. This is the dish featured in the film.

Another great thing about HIFF is that the films shown here are sometimes their American debut. Some of the Asian films have been screened at European film festivals, but not in the United States. That is the case with the last HIFF film I saw, the Japanese remake of Sideways. I think I liked the American version better (I say "think" because it has been awhile since I saw it). Although it was fun to see the Japanese touches in the movie. For example, when the Paul Giamatti character arrives in Los Angeles to meet his friend who is getting married, he talks about some recent disappointment in his life and decided to come to America for the wedding (and this pre-wedding trip) hoping the western winds would help blow away his discontent.

The director of the film was there for a Q&A after the movie and he said that there is a rumor that an Indian version of Sideways will be in the works shortly. There is a trend in the international film industry to take a well-established American film and do the foreign country's version of it.

Although there were many more films I would have liked to see, I am happy with the four that I managed to view. HIFF, HIFF, Hooray!

Chris Brown and Rihanna

This whole Chris Brown and Rihanna abuse incident is disturbing on several levels. Since the story broke, Oprah, Tyra and others have dedicated air time to discuss the serious issue of domestic violence. That is not what is disturbing me. From watching snipets of these shows, it seems the American public thinks that if the abuse is not physical, then it is not really abuse . . . or somehow it is not as bad.

Well, I posit that in general, the bruises, hurts and cuts we carry on the inside heal a lot slower and cause a lot more anguish than the buises, hurts and cuts we experience on the outside. I am by no means minimizing physical abuse, but rather trying to get others not to minimize abuse that is not physical.

Verbal, psychological, economic, emotional, sexual and financial abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. Many times an abuser will be abusive in more than one area. It is difficult to find physical abuse without verbal and emotional abuse accompanying it. Abuse is abuse and it should always be condemned, no matter what form it may take.

I think it was the Tyra Banks show that showed a clip of a teenaged couple (actors). The boyfriend called the girlfriend fat and said she was too stupid to stick to a simple diet; and in fact, he knew she was stupid when he met her. The women in the Tyra audience did not label that abuse: "What he said might have been mean, but at least he did not hit her or anything."

Aaaauuuuugggghhhh! That type of attitude makes me weep. He was breaking down her self-esteem, making her feel belittled and worthless. Less than. And he is supposed to be her boyfriend?

And people wonder why abused women do not simply leave their abuser!

Can you imagine being made to feel like you are worthless? That you are unable to accomplish anything on your own because you are too dumb and unskilled? In addition you may have (or at least felt like you have) burned all your relationship bridges, because abusers tend to isolate their partners so they must depend solely on the abuser and have no other avenue of support or escape. On top of that, you may have no money of your own. What would you do? Especially if you have children. If you leave, will you be able to take care of your kids, or will you be homeless? Will the State declare you unfit and take your kids away, or worse, give custody to the abuser? Not to mention that studies have shown the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is after s/he leaves the relationship. That's when most of the deaths/physical harm occurs.

Another bothersome part to this story is that men (especially men in the music/rap industry) have not come out and boldly stated how that kind of behavior is unacceptable. I have heard comments like, "Well, we do not really know what went on between them" and "Even Rihanna's brother said she throws down hard." SO WHAT?

It does not matter if she was in his face or not. He had no right to beat her up. Until men start putting pressure on other men by stating (and believing and acting upon the fact that) abuse is uniquivocally unacceptable; there will be no real revolution in this area. It is not enough to not be an abuser. Men need to actively advocate for non-violence in relationships.

And if she is full of drama? Throwing things and hitting her man? Well, then she's the abuser and she is in the wrong and needs help. Or if she just loves pulling your strings, continually trying to evoke a reaction? Get out of that relationship! It's not an excuse to abuse.

Chris Brown needs help and support. He also needs to understand what he did was wrong and unacceptable and that ultimately the blame rests with him. The abusers in our community (male and female) need the same. If someone is supposed to love and support you, have your back, cherish you, then they should not systematically act in such a manner as to accomplish the exact opposite of all that. Whether it be a relationship between elder and caretaker, parent and child, husband and wife or any other combination.

Abuse is abuse, no matter in which form it may appear. And it is always wrong.

INFJ

Some friends and I were having a chat and the Myers-Briggs personality test came up. The real Myers-Briggs test is an extensive questionnaire, but there are shorter versions on the internet that you can take for free (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm). I am not sure how accurate these tests are, but it’s fun to take them and read about one of my favorite subjects…me.

I do not think that I am alone in this. I mean, isn’t everyone interested in the inner workings of me? Yeah. Seriously though, everyone likes to read about themselves (except for famous people when they get bad press, and even in those cases, there are some from the no-press-is-bad-press school of thought, but I digress). I feel like I am pretty self-aware. I know myself well; and am committed to being honest with myself, even when it would be less painful or easier to believe a little white lie. Still, I enjoy taking these tests and seeing if I concur with the results.

The Myers-Briggs test measures you in 4 areas:
How you relate to others: (I)ntrovert vs. (E)xtrovert
How you take in information: I(N)tuitive vs. (S)ensing
How you make decisions: (T)hinking vs. (F)eeling
How you put your life in order: (J)udging vs. (P)erceiving

Taking a closer look at my score, I notice I am very close on the E/I line, which I think is accurate. It’s also accurate that I fall on the “I” side of that line, because I really do need to re-charge internally and not with a bunch of people. I get my energy from within and not from without. While my E/I score was close, I am definitely an “N.” I am way on the “N” side and very far from the “S.” My friend commented that I am the opposite of a lawyer’s profile. I guess that’s why I do not practice anymore, although there is still a small part of me that may want to practice again one day.

According to the on-line test, I register as an INFJ. Apparently, there are not too many of us INFJs around…only about 1% of the population. My immediate reaction? “A-ha! My Mom always said I was a unique and special child. This proves it!” Which was quickly followed by, “Geez, I hope that does not mean I have the propensity to be a serial killer or something awful like that.”

INFJs are labeled “Protectors” “Dreamers” “Mystics” “Healers” or “Idealists,” depending on which site you favor (http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/infj.htm).

Of course, all the good stuff is right and all the bad stuff is rubbish! Ha! Seriously though, they mention something about desiring harmony above all, and that is something I have been working on…sacrificing a little bit of harmony to advocate or present another point of view. The cliché “a work in progress” is definitely apt!

Mourning Days

The past few days I was in mourning. Kind of.

Let me explain. Earlier in the week, a friend sent me an e-mail asking how I was coping due to recent events. Confused much? Absolutely! I quickly shot back an e-mail with one word: “Huh?” He replied: “Didn’t know? Haven’t you seen the newspaper or read your tennis magazine? mc got married.”

“Wha-a-a-a?” Dah-duh-dum…and there it was. The death knell on nearly two decades of on-again-off-again crushing. Michael Chang is married. And it’s not to me.

I had to pause to let the reality sink in, then I googled it. Sure enough…married. To someone with Hawaii roots! Seriously?!

(For more of my past feelings for Michael Chang, see my post dated, July 29, 2008, infra.)

The next two days I wore predominantly black dress in keeping with my mourning…the death of what could have been. As I spoke with friends that weekend, it seems a great many people knew about the wedding and did not tell me. They either assumed I knew or did not want to be the bearer of bad news.

I read a few of the articles about Michael tying the knot and I discovered I never stood a chance. First of all, he (and his mother!) were looking exclusively for a Chinese girl. My response: diversify and strengthen the gene pool! Add some Japanese into the mix. It could only be good for the families. Could I convince him to abandon this “qualification” in a bride? I guess we’ll never know.

Also, the woman he married is quite young. About 9 years younger than him. I think maturity has a lot to recommend it. I am definitely more grounded, more insightful and a tiny bit more patient than I was when I was in my twenties.

I was bemoaning the unfairness of it all to a friend while we were in the movie theatre watching previews for upcoming television shows. One preview came on for a new show called “Castle” starring Nathan Fillion. He was great in the movie “Waitress” as well as the cumbersomely named sitcom “Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Parlor.” But I loved him as Captain Malcolm Reynolds in “Firefly.” (See previous entry dated: June 29, 2007, infra.)

In mid-whine, I said, “Wow, he is still hot!”

My friend (quick to follow my tangent) commented, “It looks like he’s gained some weight. His face looks fuller.”

I replied, “Yeah, I like it!”

And thus, the mourning period was over.

So congratulations and best wishes to Michael Chang and his young Chinese bride. May you both have many years of happiness and prosperity.

And Nathan, if you’re reading this…I’m available.

Gen X: Dare to Do Urban Acupuncture

I recently read “X Saves the World: How Generation X Got the Shaft but Can Still Keep Everything from Sucking,” by Jeff Gordinier.

This is not a book for everyone, and obviously it will probably help if you are an Xer, as I am. We are a bit of a niche market in that according to Gordinier, the Baby Boomers and Generation Y "both swell past the 70 million mark, whereas Generation X is usually pegged at around 46 million." We are the forgotten step-child of the generations by marketers as well as historians. We're cynical, ironic and fringe. Slackers, low-key and the opposite of whatever self-aggrandizement may be. Gordinier created what he calls the GXAT (Generation X Aptitude Test) to determine if you belong to Generation X.

Question #1: Do you want to change the world?
A. Yes, and I'm proud to say we did it, man. We changed the world. Just look around you.
B. Yes, absolutely, and I promise I will get back to doing that just as soon as interest rates return to where they're supposed to be.
C. Omigod, omigod, changing the world and helping people is, like totally important to me! I worked in a soup kitchen once and it was so sad but the poor people there had so much dignity!
D. The way you phrase that question is so f***ing cheesy and absurd that I am not even sure I want to continue with this pointless exercise.

Question #1 is the only question on the GXAT. Guess which answer means you're the Xer?

Things coalesced for me reading this book. Snippets and scraps that were floating around in my head arranged themselves and formed a quilt. Something with a shape and purpose. A-ha! That’s me!

While reading this book I saw some old episodes of MadTV. They had a sketch called X News. It was like Gordinier wrote those scenes – same language, flavor and attitude. Not unlike The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report. When interviewed, both Stewart and Stephen Colbert insist they are comedians, not subversive leaders daring to undermine the repressive social-political environment suffocating free thought. They do fake news. This is Generation X. No illusions of grandeur.

Gordinier discusses how Barak Obama is one of the first Generation Xers to break-out in the political arena. It is one of the reasons Obama seems so free of the old political discord of Republican vs. Democrat, feminist vs. traditionalist, white vs. black, etc. And so it is believable when he talks about change. His language, his perspective is different from the Boomers who have been running the country these past decades. Gordinier writes, “Scan his [Obama’s] first book, Dreams from My Father, and you’ll see that Obama’s way of thinking developed amid the backwash of skepticism that followed the grand march of the sixties and seventies. He’s allergic to anything that smacks of movementism.”

One of the things I liked most about this book is that Gordinier shares what Xers are doing around the planet...and it is amazing. Majora Carter organized Sustainable South Bronx in order to lobby and fight to “green the ghetto.” There is Fritz Haeg teaching others how to create edible gardens and opening his home to conversation and the sharing of ideas. Dave Eggers opened a non-profit writing center for students housed in a pirate supply store (and similar centers have opened around the country). Cameron Sinclair and Kate Stohr created “Architecture for Humanity” an organization that creates homes and buildings of beauty and function for those who may have lost theirs in a natural disaster, or where a building is needed. One of their projects is building an HIV/AIDS clinic in Mozambique. Their philosophy is that if you create something beautiful, people will take care and value it.

Sinclair calls it “urban acupuncture.” A small-batch solution that can be spread around like a virus (a la You Tube style), hopefully creating a ripple effect beyond the small act itself. Where the underlying belief is that there are a hundred million solutions, not one solution to the problems we face. This is one of the cores of the Xer mentality. No grandiose “greatest generation,” no worshipping of consumerism or emo ego-centrism and no rose-colored glasses…even when viewing our own reflection. Feeling that uniformity is toxic and that just doing a small thing…your thing is enough. Change comes from the fringe; we are in the margins, so who better than us to instigate such change? We have always been on the outside looking in.

It is not unlike what Kanu Hawaii is trying to do. When I think about it, it is very Generation X. Not surprising, since it is a bunch of Xers who created it. Embrace tradition without being sappy or idealistic about it, but look forward in a dynamic way. Not searching for THE answer (in fact not even believing there is only one answer), but utilizing community to discover the many answers. “Join” groups if you wish, but maintain your individual ideas, ideals and commitments.

The last chapter of the book is entitled “I Will Dare.” This is the way Generation X will keep everything from sucking…we dare. Dare to dream, dare to fail, dare to do.

An Open Letter to Michael Chang

Michael Chang.

***sigh*** (insert dreamy smile here) ***sigh***

Huan Hsu recently wrote an article for Slate entitled: “Dear Michael Chang: You ruined my tennis career. Thanks for nothing.” Here is the link to the article: http://www.slate.com/id/2194929.

My response: “Dear Michael Chang: You ruined me for other men. Thanks for everything.”

In my formative years, I rarely crushed on Asian guys. My best friend would go ga-ga over Asian dudes, but me, my attention was focused on the haole dudes. The one exception: Michael Chang. He caused my heart to go a-flutter and my eyes to go all dreamy.

Why? Because he is the whole package, baby!

Physical: He is about 5’9”, which is a perfect height for someone who is . . . er . . . 5’ almost 3”. I could wear heels and he would still be taller than me, but if I wore flats (as I always do), he would not tower over me in that weird, uncomfortable way. I tend to feel like a little kid when I am around tall people, which mentally takes me to that kid place. Which, if you are around a romantic interest, can be somewhat creepy, if you know what I mean.

His legs are incredible. Now, I am not one to usually gawk at men’s legs. I’m usually looking a little farther up . . . and I don’t mean their butts . . . I meant their faces. But Michael Chang has exceptional legs. I guess because he relied on his quickness and his ability to chase down every ball, he really built up his lower body strength. A law school classmate was at a tennis tournament and saw Michael’s father and informed me his father had thick, muscular legs, too. She said it boded well that it was a genetic thing and not likely to change once he (Michael) no longer played professionally.

Which leads me to my final physical point…the guy has stamina. He built his fierce reputation around running every single shot down. His opponent could never relax, because no matter how good the shot, Michael Chang would run that ball down, whether it was the beginning of the first set or the end of the fifth. He worked hard to be physically fit. That also gave him a mental edge, knowing that he could stay on that court and run around in the fifth set without being super tired and shaky. Which segues nicely into the second category,

Mental/Intellectual: Michael Chang was a thoughtful player and mentally tough. I believe in an interview, he compared playing tennis to playing chess. You could tell he was constantly thinking on the court. Strategizing. He would set up points, because physically he did not have the height or muscle mass to do what came naturally for other players, Michael had to play smart. He would figure out his opponents’ weaknesses and work it against his strengths. He had a game plan, but adjusted his plan to the capriciousness of the game.

Michael was always very articulate when interviewed. He came across confident, but not cocky, and was always contemplative in his comments. You could also tell he set very high standards for himself; and when he did not meet those standards, he was pretty hard on himself.

Family / Christian Values: Michael Chang has always been clear that he is a Christian. And from the way he conducts his public life, his faith seems like a very important part of who he is. That is very attractive! Much of his time after retiring from tennis seems to be spent on his charities and helping others. He also seems very calm and caring.

And he does this work with his family. Now some may be apprehensive about joining a close-knit family. But once they know you and love you, you become part of their fabric, so to speak. The importance of familial relationships and respecting your parents has been ingrained in me since I was a child. To be honest, I’m guessing his mom will be the most difficult one to win over. But, I’ve always done really well with parents. Heh.

X-Factor: Finally, Michael Chang has that X-Factor. Something that draws my eyes toward him. Something about his intensity and focus. Very intriguing. Maybe it has something to do with traveling around the world and learning about different cultures. Perhaps it was learning how to handle the pressure and attention of being a top athlete at such a young age. Perhaps it is simply innate in him. Whatever it is, he’s got it.

So, Huan Hsu of Slate, do not be jealous of Michael Chang and all he has accomplished. Rather, embrace it…embrace your Asian-American culture of expectation and values and what it means to be an Asian male in America. Let go of your one-handed backhand, net-charging, serve-and-volley ways and accept who you truly are. And take another look at Michael Chang. See that cute dimple in his cheek when he smiles? Perhaps he’s smiling for you, Huan; though I prefer to think he’s smiling for me.

Reality TV Love, Another Look

I watch a lot of television. In fact, I probably watch too much television. I think it has something to do with my propensity toward addictive behavior, but that’s fodder for another post. The reason I bring up television is because there are two shows that I really am kind of falling in love with . . . and they’re both “reality” or unscripted shows.

Part of the reason I am writing about this is because I hope to garner some understanding about why I have latched so strongly on to these two shows in particular. What is it about them has me repeatedly watching repeat episodes?

The first show is on TLC and is called “Jon and Kate Plus 8.” It is about a couple who has two sets of multiple-birthed children (is that what it’s called?) Anyway, they have twin girls and sextuplets (3 boys and 3 girls). I believe the twins are 7 years old and the sextuplets are almost 4 years old. The couple (Jon and Kate) are in their mid-30s, I am guessing. Kate is a nurse and now a stay-at-home mom. Jon is an IT person.

My first thought on why I like this show is because their kids are adorable. But there are adorable kids all over television. Then I thought, maybe it is because I get to “peek” into their family life. Some kind of family voyeur (but not in a creepy way). I am somewhat privy to the couple’s relationship with each other as well as the relationship they have with their children, and the children’s relationship to one another. But that kind of dynamic is rife in television, with the plethora of Nanny type shows and American Chopper and Little People, Big World, Hogan Knows Best, Kardashians, etc. I am not addicted to those shows.

So perhaps it is because the kids are a quarter Korean? They really pull toward the Asian features. Jon is hapa, having a Korean mom and a Caucasian father. Kate is Caucasian. Am I so thirsty to see Asians on television that it accounts for my fascination with this show? I do not know.

The second show I am addicted to is “Run’s House” on MTV. No Asians there! It is about Joseph Simmons (or Rev. Run or DJ Run) from the seminal rap group Run DMC, and his family. He has a wife, 3 daughters (one newly adopted) and 3 sons. The two older daughters are living in California, but come home to New York often. The oldest son is in a rap group trying to break into the business, the youngest son is interested in cooking and they seem like a really nice family.

The Simmons household is not crazy and chaotic. The kids listen (somewhat!) to their parents and speak to them respectfully. Likewise, the parents speak to their children with love and respect. Of course there are arguments and disagreements and people are irritable with each other, but on the whole, it is obvious that this couple (Rev and Justine) have managed to raise solid, caring children in the midst of wealth and notoriety.

At the end of each episode, they show Rev soaking in a bubble bath and providing a “Final Thought” a la Jerry Springer on his Blackberry. He has a nice way of summing up the events filmed for the show and has a positive message.

One commonality is that I believe they are both Christian families. Jon and Kate attend an Assembly of God church and talk a little about their faith on the show. The Simmons family does not really talk about church, but Joseph’s nickname is “The Reverend” and he ends each show by saying something like, “God bless.” It also seemed like he (Rev) avoided any shenanigans while on tour with Kid Rock. The Rev would go to his room alone while the rest partied. Of course, this does not necessarily mean they are a Christian family, but maybe they are.

So, perhaps what draws me to these shows is that they portray loving families. They may argue and speak harshly to each other, but they apologize and try to make things right. When television shows you war, death, struggle, hunger, fear, greed, sensationalism and pain in the world around you, there is comfort in knowing people like that exist. Families like that exist. They are not perfect, but they are trying their best. They face different kinds of challenges, but find strength in the love they share.

That may sound hokey, but it is also encouraging and uplifting . . . and maybe our world needs a little bit more hokey-ness. If I am going to be addicted and oddly fascinated with television shows, well, I guess I could be addicted to a lot worse than that!

Reality TV Love

I have a confession. (((Deep Breath))) Last night I . . . well, I . . . I watched the last episode and the subsequent season post-mortem of Tila Tequilla’s Shot at Love. And no, VH-1 wasn’t the only channel I could catch that evening. I was channel surfing and there was something morbidly compelling about it that caused me to waste, er, spend two hours of my life watching these episodes. I’m sure it does not speak well of me or my taste in TV.

For the uninitiated, Tila Tequilla is a bi-sexual internet star. For this show, she invites men and women to compete for her affection in full “reality” TV style. It came down to two finalists: one man and one woman. Tila rejects the man, who professed his love and was obviously devastated by her decision.

Then Tila meets with the woman and offers her a “shot at love.” The woman declines and Tila is crying, shaking and in full “why me, what’s wrong with me, why can’t I find love” mode. The woman (I forget her name) says she rejected Tila because she is confused about whether she wants a relationship with a man or a woman and is also unsure if she can meet Tila’s expectations for a partner. She also mentioned she sees Tila more as a friend than in a romantic way. Ouch!

So, as one may be able to guess, the post-mortem / reunion show was strange, awkward and painful. When the man (I forget his name, too) confronts Tila, he is quite civil, but wanted an explanation why she did not pick him. Tila gives some lame excuses, which basically tells me she just wasn’t into him, even though she professed her love to him on several occasions (they showed clips of that).

The big confrontation occurred between Tila and the woman. The woman was explaining why she rejected Tila, but Tila was having none of it. She was obviously still hurt and embarrassed and it quickly degenerated into a screaming, name-calling fiasco.

Anyway, after watching this, I did not feel well. I didn’t feel dirty or anything, but it kind of hurt my heart to see all this pain, anger and selfishness up for public consumption. I was also kind of irritated that Tila seemed to blithely dismiss the man and his feelings and made it all about her – that somehow Tila was wronged and hoodwinked, but refused to see how she had done the same thing to others.

It made me start to wonder about love. What does love mean? What makes anyone think love can be found in the artificial world of a TV show? Have we (society) perverted love? Or have we created something unobtainable in our expectations of romantic love?

So here are some relationship lessons I learned in those two hours (see, they weren't a complete waste of time):

Lesson #1: Loving another person means humbling yourself and truly wanting what is best for them.

I think most of my irritation stemmed from the seeming hypocrisy of Tila going on and on about how much she loved this woman, made herself vulnerable and now is broken hearted, when it seemed more like her pride was damaged than her heart. Tila was mean, vindictive and hurtful when she spoke to the woman on stage.

Compare that with the man whom Tila rejected. The moderator asked him if knowing Tila got rejected after she rejected him made him feel any better. His answer was no. In fact, he said that it made him hurt more, knowing Tila was hurting and did not find her true love. That sounds more like love to me. Even though Tila hurt him, he cared about her enough to truly wish the best for her. Tila was not empathetic or sympathetic towards the woman at all. In fact, she was was not empathetic or sympathetic towards the man, either.

During another part of the show, the moderator created this hypo: what if the man and woman had been together with Tila to hear her decision? And then, after choosing the woman and being rejected, what if at that point Tila turned back to the man? Would he have started a relationship with her knowing he was her second choice? His answer: he was not sure. He said maybe they could go on from that point and forget the past and build something better together.

Wow, that was cool. That's humble love. Love without pride and self-righteousness. Perhaps when I feel that way about someone, I will know I am truly in love.

All this also goes along with Lesson #2: You can learn a lot about a person by how that person behaves and handles a situation in which he or she does not get something he or she really wants.

Lesson #3: Beware of hearing only what you want to hear and forcing everything to fit into the paradigm of your own construction at the expense of reality.

During their last date, the woman expressed her doubts and insecurities to Tila. Tila interpreted that as the woman being afraid to let herself be vulnerable and fall in love. Tila imagined herself being the one person that would make the woman feel safe so she could love Tila and be loved in return. What the woman really meant was, "I do not know if I want this. I do not know if I want to be with you."

Lesson #4: Tattoos are forever, but relationships may not be; therefore, if you choose to tattoo, please tattoo wisely.

Both the man and the woman got tattoos. While the man said he did not regret it, he did wish it was smaller and less gaudy. The woman's tattoo was of a star similar to one Tila has. The woman's brother, mom and dad all got similar tattoos to make it a family thing. Remember Johnny Depp's "Winona/Whino Forever?" A cautionary tale for sure.

Lesson #5: If you find yourself contemplating finding love on a "reality" television show with a bi-sexual internet personality, run quickly in the opposite direction.